"We hear you"

Words by all the women in my lineage.

TW: this article discussed SA.

Something has been asking for attention. A theme that can make my heartbeat go faster, paralyzing my body. I never wanted these events to take away my own agency. I never wanted them to let my freeze in situations that remind me of the same incidents.

And yet, there I was. Frightened. In tears. Not believing that I was safe. Because several times, I wasn't.

It was as if I time traveled to the places that I felt like my voice disappeared. Their will was imposed on me at ages I could not even consent. And the worst feels like I did not even know what was happening. I was either told a lie, or they just simply thought it was okay what they were doing. But it was never okay.

There was no adult who truly checked in with me what happened. I dragged a lot of this stuff subconsciously within me until I was 22, during which I was confronted what those events actually were called. My world broke down. Did this really happen to me? Why did this happen to me?

I felt like a victim who would always be hunted by this past. And sometimes, I still feel it's presence in my stomach. Darkness that was never mine to carry.

So today, during a massage, the woman asked me what I was seeing or feeling deep inside of my stomach. I described blackness, and myself being surrounded with it while staying in my circle. I described my experience of feeling like he still had something from me, as if I lost something. I visualized it being brought back to me through a cord, pumping all the life force that was stolen without my consent.

After she asked me to bring some light in the circle, I told her straight away: ‘it does not feel like the darkness is mine’. ‘Ah!’, she mentioned. ‘Have you ever done regression therapy? It feels like indeed, maybe this is not from this lifetime. But, it is time’.

It is time. It was as if these words served as a code for permission to enter something else. I reminded the words within myself: it is time. Tears started dropping down my cheeks, my body started shaking. At some point, I entered a state I never was in before. It was as if a flashlight crushed my body, causing me to cry uncontrollably. My body started shaking heavier and heavier. I felt her hands on my body and everything streaming the way it was meant to be. I felt emotions I could not explain why I was feeling them. But I felt them in my bones.

The lady told me that I could release anything that was within me. I started groaming, screaming in ways I never did, alternated with episodes of crying. I did not even know I had such voice within me. ‘We hear you’, she said, alternated with some sort of light language. I don't know what it did, but it hit me. I screamed. I talked back. More waves of emotions passed through my body, followed by other episodes of tears. Images flashed through my head of my grandmother: I knew she was with me, I knew she was guiding me.

After 2 hours, my body became calmer. I opened my eyes, completely disoriented by what happened. I could not believe what just happened: I never experienced something like this. A big puddle of sweat as large as my own upper body covered the bed sheet. I got reminded and confronted with the fact that indeed, the body keeps the score. I was dragging all of this the whole time in my body, and I did not even know.

I sat down and she shared that she saw a whole group of women around me who experienced grape or SA. That they were surrounding me, creating an energetic bedding for the release. That I am not alone.

I felt goosebumps. Being in Finland, I got something similar channeled that my women lineage from my mother's side went through a lot of @buse by men. And that by healing myself, I was healing them. I was silent for a moment after hearing this.

I remembered that before walking in, I saw a feather 🪶 before the door. I took it as a confirmation.

My body right now feels absolutely exhausted. But simultaneously, I feel so grateful. I feel so grateful to be on this journey, despite of how heavy it can feel.

Events are starting to click. Everything happens for a reason.

I just have to surrender to what is, and from there, the help will come my way. And who knows, one day, I will be the helping hand for another.

We women deserve to live in safety, with full autonomy. To fulfill our own life destiny. Our own soul purpose. And to experience this with souls accompanying us lovingly along the way, while communicating and growing along the road.

We deserve it to heal and live. And to those who suffer or have suffered, just like my grandmother's said: we hear you. You are never alone.